Word Puns to keep you smiling

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

• • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• • When chemists die, they barium.
• • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• • Broken pencils are pointless.
• • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• • All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• • Velcro - what a rip off!
• • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Acupuncture – a jab well done.
• The Police were called to a daycare where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• A bicycle moves slowly because it is two-tired.
• When she saw her strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
• A pair of jumper cables were served in the local pub only after they promised not to start anything.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
• A chicken crossing the road – poultry in motion.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• A woman’s swoon may be more feint than faint.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
• A short fortune teller who escaped from prison – a small medium at large.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France – resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• A calendar’s days are numbered.
• Horses are alone in their class because they are always out standing in their fields.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
• We will never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Considering the evidence, the jury concluded that the accused was not too bright.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
• The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• There was a slight paws before the dog ran off.
• A hangover is a wrath of grapes.
• When the buyer failed to make payment on the Golden dog he bought, the breeder had to retriever.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
• In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts – in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
• A baker backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

I though I would give everyone who is reading a chance to catch their breath before continuing. Well, here we go again:

• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor-play.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his aunt telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
• Don’t join dangerous cults – practice safe sects.
• When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, ‘you stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
• It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
• What do you get when you mate a shitzu and a bull dog – bullshit.
• A sing on the lawn of a drug rehab center said – “keep of the grass.”
• In school, the class trapeze artist with an attitude was always suspended.
• CrossDresser – a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
• Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Six is afraid of Seven because Seven Eight Nine.
• For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
• Editing is a re-wording activity.
• Two atoms are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
• I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• Reading while sun-bathing makes you well-red.
• A lot of money is tainted – ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine
• A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
• When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You were right so I left.
• The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
• Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
• I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
• I get my large circumference from too much pi.
• Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
• To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
• He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.