LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
- • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
- • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
- • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
- • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
- • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
- • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
- • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
- • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
- • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- • When chemists die, they barium.
- • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
- • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
- • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- • Broken pencils are pointless.
- • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- • All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
- • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- • Velcro - what a rip off!
- • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Acupuncture – a jab well done.
- The Police were called to a daycare where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- A bicycle moves slowly because it is two-tired.
- When she saw her strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- A pair of jumper cables were served in the local pub only after they promised not to start anything.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
- A chicken crossing the road – poultry in motion.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- A woman’s swoon may be more feint than faint.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
- A short fortune teller who escaped from prison – a small medium at large.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France – resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- A calendar’s days are numbered.
- Horses are alone in their class because they are always out standing in their fields.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
- We will never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- Considering the evidence, the jury concluded that the accused was not too bright.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
- The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- There was a slight paws before the dog ran off.
- A hangover is a wrath of grapes.
- When the buyer failed to make payment on the Golden dog he bought, the breeder had to retriever.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
- In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts – in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- A baker backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
I though I would give everyone who is reading a chance to catch their breath before continuing. Well, here we go again:
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor-play.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his aunt telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
- Don’t join dangerous cults – practice safe sects.
- When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, ‘you stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
- It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
- What do you get when you mate a shitzu and a bull dog – bullshit.
- A sing on the lawn of a drug rehab center said – “keep of the grass.”
- In school, the class trapeze artist with an attitude was always suspended.
- CrossDresser – a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
- Six is afraid of Seven because Seven Eight Nine.
- For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
- Editing is a re-wording activity.
- Two atoms are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- Reading while sun-bathing makes you well-red.
- A lot of money is tainted – ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine
- A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You were right so I left.
- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
- Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
- I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
- I get my large circumference from too much pi.
- Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
- To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
- He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
